I Just Called To Say I’m Not Coming To Your Super Bowl Party


By Esteban Touma and Brad Kolberg | January 31, 2020

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Super Bowl Spread! (Photo by switz1873)

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With the Super Bowl right around the corner, Madison comedian Esteban Touma is struggling with whether or not to attend his friend’s party.  Wisconsin Life has obtained the transcripts of several voicemails left by Touma for his friend, Charlie.

CHARLIE’S VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Charlie, leave a message!

ESTEBAN: Hey Charlie, it’s Esteban! Thanks for inviting me to your Super Bowl party again. But…I’m gonna have to think about it. It’s just…um…yeah, well…I’ll let you know. Thanks, bud.

CHARLIE’S VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Charlie, leave a message!

ESTEBAN: Hey, it’s me again. SO…the first time you invited me four years ago, I was excited. As a foreigner, it was cool to be included in the celebration, to run around the aisles of the supermarket, tucking a 30-pack of Coors Light with the same determination of that offensive player that gets handed the ball and runs with it. You know, the one behind the quarterback? And I thought it would be a great chance to learn about football and this country. But after half a decade, I still don’t understand Super Bowl parties, and…I don’t understand this country. So, I’m not sure. Anyway, OK yeah…see ya.

CHARLIE’S VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Charlie, leave a message!

ESTEBAN: Just to be clear, it’s not because I don’t understand football. I get it. And I honestly enjoy the game. I don’t mind the 12 minutes of real action over three hours, and it’s fun to watch chronic traumatic encephalopathy happening live from five different angles. I’m even willing to forgive the use of the word “football,” which you have taken so blatantly for yourselves – like the name “America” or foreign oil. Too political? Eh, whatever. I just don’t…feel like going this year. I hope you understand. But no hard feelings, K?

CHARLIE’S VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Charlie, leave a message!

Deviled Eggs! (Photo by Matt Johnson)

ESTEBAN: ALSO, how can you prefer football to soccer?! Is it just because the rest of the world loves it? It’s like the metric system – which, to be fair – IS really complicated if you don’t know how to count to ten. So, yeah, maybe I’ll go to your Super Bowl party once you come to my World Cup party, CHARLES.  Do we have a deal? And what’s with all the FOOD at a Super Bowl party? Are we all training to be one of those offensive tankmen or whatever THAT position is? It’s offensive EATING, that’s what! Yeah, I can wash down six more deviled eggs with another Coors Light. But should I? I’ll have to LIVE with myself the next day, knowing I have absolutely no concern for the safety of my own end zone.

CHARLIE’S VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Charlie, leave a message!

ESTEBAN: Dude, WHAT IS SO GREAT about the commercials? Oh hey, it’s Esteban again. Is the game so boring that you get excited about switching insurance companies? And then the game comes back on and I can’t hear anything because we’re debating what’s better – Ellen DeGeneres recommending a cell phone network or the animated blue animated blue bears selling toilet paper? And every year, the only real winner is capitalism. But this year, I win! By not going!

CHARLIE’S VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Charlie, leave a message!

ESTEBAN: Hey Charlie…sorry. I maybe got a little carried away. But honestly, it felt good to get that off my chest. And I guess that’s what a Super Bowl party really provides: The ads that try too hard, the mild nudity during the half-time show, the poor food decisions, lots of bad beer. It’s all there to give us a chance to connect as Americans about what we love, but more importantly, the things we love to hate. So I am FOR SURE coming, and I’ll be there an hour early with a jumbo nacho platter. Please have the deviled eggs ready; I have a record to break.

Esteban Touma

Esteban Touma

Esteban Touma is a writer and comedian adjusting to life in the US. His comedy has been featured in Comedy Central and NPR. The U.S. government has officially declared him an “authorized legal alien with a reentry permit.” He formerly hosted “The Moth” in Madison and was a regular at...
Brad Kolberg with his daughter at Miller Park.

Brad Kolberg

Brad Kolberg is a radio producer and engineer from Stoughton, WI.  He likes to take time for his wife & daughter, The Brewers & Packers, music & beer discovery, and running down a trail somewhere out in the woods of Wisconsin.
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2020-01-31T17:17:37+00:00Tags: , , , , , , |

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